Delor.es.Defacto (she knew she had to change her plans)

Dont know what I cant describe

deloresdefacto — 2009-09-07T03:39:00Z

In my last post I forgot to mention how I realized that work is a lot like school. This doesnt seem like much of an analogy, but when I was in school I wanted to spend my time daydreaming, writing, anything else that I wanted to do. I never could get into the mindset of just doing what I was supposed to be doing, just because someone said I should. Granted, Ive grown up now and I understand to be thankful for my employment and keep myself enjoying where I am. But wanting to shut out the situation and delve in my little dream world of writing and books and stories and my journal (now my blog; hence the Twittering from my phone during the day), thats still something I consider. So, it occurred to me, on Friday, that it was just how I felt in school. I didnt want to learn math, I didnt want to talk to people there, I just wanted to be in my own little dream world. Im glad I have come out of that shell in many ways, but still, the world of whats important to me is the best place. At least theres stuff going on there rather than just the sounds of a Xerox machine going and an occasional phone ringing in the distance. Yeah, its that quiet in there. Thank God for iTunes.

Sitting here with my coffee on Wednesday, listening to church on television. This always helps me get motivated for the morning. The whole message is about not complaining about your situation because youre lucky to have what you have. I understand. I want to complain about worrying about how boring work could be if I dont have anymore work to do today. Sitting there for 8 and 1/2 hours without anything to do is torture. Yes, there are podcasts, but trying to keep a positive attitude that I have work is the only way to get through it. Its funny; I went through so much stress as a teacher, now I have no stress at all. No stress must make me nuts; thats no kind of way to be.

I really am wondering if working is just not for me. I mean, to be out of the house so much. I just like being at home. I can busy myself with so many things around. I understand the need for money but, yeah, Id rather do what I want to do. That was always the case with me. Too bad I gave up on being a full time writer. I could stay home for that and have a job I liked. Anyway, no complaining. Ill think up stories while Im at work today.

Its Sunday but I have tomorrow off as well. It took me all of Saturday to get rested. I was in no mental state for blog writing. There was no interest in anything; shopping, video games, television, library classes, bloggingnone of it. Now the morning is quite quiet and Im finishing up my coconut coffee; have to go back to Target and get more of this stuff.

Im disappointed in my weight loss project. Since I started working Ive not exercised as much as usual. After I talk to my mister in the evenings, its already after 7PM. A lot of times there have been neighborhood muscle men in the gym, hogging up the whole place with their routines. If I wait a little longer, I can get in there to do what I want, but its a creepy feeling to be alone in an apartment lobby after dark. So since Ive not been as active as I was when I wasnt working and had the day to get myself exercised and eat very little meals all day, Ive not lost an ounce. Ive followed my Weight Watchers plan as usual but still, Ive not budged. Very annoying and extremely disappointing. At least the work is only temporary so if theres any positives about being unemployed, its that I can get control of my weight easier.

Work picked up this week too though, which I was grateful for. On Friday I was running the show for a bit, then had to help someone with something all day. As long as I have things to do, keep myself busy and the day goes by at a quick pace, Im fine. But without having some kind of work to be done, I feel like Ill go mad with boredom. I thought about, the other day, how it was all in my attitude; I was stressed to the max as a teacher and now I have no stress. I need to be grateful for that and just get on with it. Its just when forced to sit and do nothing comes along, when I cant read or write or sleep or play online, thats when I go crazy. Its a panicky feeling I get when I walk into work, knowing Ill be bored all day. Again, it was the same feeling I had as a high school girl. Hated just having to sit there, not doing the things I wanted to do. Thats why I always wanted to go to the library so Id have privacy to read and write and be left alone. I dont mind being out of the house and having a schedule. I just want to spend my days doing what I want to do with my life. Sure, that sounds immature maybe, but Ive just not found the job that I love. I really like the job I have now, I honestly do. But on the days when theres nothing to do, I want to run from the building screaming. I even fantasize about driving away, just because I can.

I have an update on my lovely new, used Blackberry Curve as well. So I bought new housing for it, again, so now its a nice, pearly pink. However, the keyboard that came with it had the keys in the wrong place, so like V and W were switched, A and Q as well. Plus, the backing to the silly thing wasnt even functional. Nothing to connect to the battery to make it connect to the phones motherboard. What a dodgy thing! So I complained to the seller, and, luckily, had parts to replace the bad parts with. Now it seems to be fine, so hopefully I wont be fighting with it anymore. I want an iPhone though. Ive started dreaming about one and all its apps. While Im working, I need to get one, thats all there is to it.

I also have to start laptop shopping. Ill need one by December.

But with all of that said, Ive finally ordered my iPhone 3GS so Im happy. I got it straight from the Apple store. Nothing dodgy from Ebay. It will take a few days to get here and then Im ready to play. Im so excited. Ill have to sell old, new Curve though. Meh, at least with all the extra housing I have for it, it should get some of what I paid for it.

Is it right to love gadgets this much?

Now its late on Saturday night and its time to post this entry. Ive not gone to the gym, though I though I would tonight. A nap ended up being more desirable. Oh well, theres always the whole rest of the week to go down there for 40 minutes and gain a few extra food points for the week. Weight Watchers really is a handy plan. Oh and, duh. I did lose a pound this week. Hooray!

The moneys been taken out for my iPhone, so it will be here this week. The housing that was all messed up from my Curve was offered to be returned for a refund. Ill take the seller up on that. Then I can sell the actual phone out, after I get my iPhone. Ive had nothing but problems with that Curve (not the actual functioning of it; just my tinkering with it never worked out) so Ill be glad to take some money for it and send it elsewhere.

Im glad to have another day to hang about the place and relax. Tomorrow Ill go to Wal-Mart with Mom, then come home, go to the gym, then check my library classes for what assignments I need to do. I had planned on trying to get my teacher classes done, but Im going to drop those too. The library classes are just way too much, now that I see the syllabi and the weekly assignments. Plus, theres no sense in taking them now when I know Im not going to live in Florida for more than a year; no point in getting a teaching certificate for a place you wont be staying in, right? So that will be some money back in my account. Ill only have an income for a few more weeks anyway.

Technorati Tags: blog,grad school,books,employment,personal,journal,diary,technology,shopping,family,travel

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=117

Talk like an open book

deloresdefacto — 2009-08-30T00:27:00Z

Theres something to having a blog that doesnt have your name directly linked. Its not that I talk about anything I wouldnt talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom. Theres a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog thats just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, Hey, I read your post last night. Not that it really matters, but still. Privacy is always the better option. Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option. Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about.

Its weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning. I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time. Its better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap. I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check. If I think its awful, it will be. If I dont, it wont.

Tuesday means not Monday. I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good. Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM. So I have a little over a month of work, so thats some money coming. Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account. Ive decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards. Now, the consolidation loan, I just cant pay. Id have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows. But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track. One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramseys book, so I ordered that. I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well. At least I know that theres hope, Im not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am.

And now its Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating. I didnt write much during the week, unfortunately. Im still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310. I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped. Plus the screen was dusty inside. It just needed a bit of an overhaul. Im not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesnt like to go left as easily as it should. Ive also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out. Now Ive ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match. Heres hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end. At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it. I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content. It was mainly the ease of texting. The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy. At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)

Aside from that, work has been okay. It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back. I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone. If I get to sleep too early, Im tired the next day. If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling. Only with seven hours sleep can I function well. Its easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen. I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there. I try to not count down the hours that Ive worked or still have to work. The clock never moves fast enough if I do. I try to just keep my mind of the work and what Im listening to and let time take care of itself. Some days its hard though.

So thats about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life. Im still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so. I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight. Youre miserable and loathe yourself when youre too big. Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, its like another misery. Never being small enough and having to keep working until youre satisfied. Now, when youre content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being. So its not too big, but its not as small as I could be. And when Im okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then Ive won any battle that has to do with food. I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just cant have it anymore. Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didnt care. Now I cant do that anymore and Im smaller. My clothes fit better. Im happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance.

I still think I should write my book on lessons Ive learned for myself. Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus. Hhmm

Anyway, Im trying to think of what else to talk about in here. Ive not gone to the gym as much because of work. That concerns me a bit because it also means Im not reading as much either. (At least I have the podcasts though.) I wont spend this weekend doing much. Im still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (theres never anything good on, I have to admit). Ive been in the mood for Fall now that its around the corner. I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham. I like those memories, but I like that Ill have new ones in the future. I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things. The past doesnt matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature. Im glad of that.

Technorati Tags: blog,personal,work,technology,blackberry,facebook,employment,writing,journal,diary

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=115

Everybody just want to play the lead

deloresdefacto — 2009-08-23T03:24:00Z

Im going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so. Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend. Ive had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes. Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait But Ive been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again. Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends.

I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.) It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon. People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year. So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice. Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again. Have some motivation from day to day. Yeah, its like going to school. Like the first week of school when its familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something youre use to.

Its Friday now and Ive had a good first few days back to work. I couldnt start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far. But the rest of the weeks, Ill have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime. Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, Im not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will.

Now on Saturday, I will post this entry. Its nothing much, but its better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action. I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such. (No, I dont have the Blackberry account set up; just the basics.) Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something. And everyone loves Twitter. Ha ha. I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else. I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting. Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me. The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.

Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated. Granted, theres not much to say about work. I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases. Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down. Well, I mean its starting up in a new direction, but its not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go. People are already going, my Dad included, so its already beginning; that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.

The only other mention I have is with friends again. One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts. And I just cant let that go any further. I cant go visit, I cant really participate in keeping a lot of communication up. Its just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything. This is the same with my recent break off of friendships. I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her. But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore. She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life. And Im not the type to confront anyone if theyve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go. Ive thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode. Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that Im doing the best thing for me and I shouldnt feel guilty. None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, its just that Im a different person and the connection of common ground isnt there anymore. I dont want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble. Im a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people. What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back. I have clear goals in mind. No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didnt put up a fuss. Now I just dont want to say anything to them anymore. Past things dont have much impact on me anymore.

Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night. I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio. I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but its funny how voices get removed from our memory. We have to hear them again to remember. I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago. Who knows where that stuff is. It could still be in that house; the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in. I miss Ohio a bit for things like that. I wont mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction.

Technorati Tags: blog,work,employment,space,ohio,personal,writing,friends

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=112

Delor.es.Defacto (she knew she had to change her plans)

Dont know what I cant describe

Talk like an open book

Everybody just want to play the lead

Dont know what I cant describe